So this has pretty much been the week from hell. Ok actually the last couple of weeks have been rough, but this week takes the cake. I finally got all set up with my transplant eval appointment and started pulmonary rehab this week, while before I was looking forward to this now I know the truth. . . . its making me absolutely nuts!!!! Ever sense I got my info packet from the transplant center its all I can think about. First it was curiosity and getting information, I ordered a couple of books they recommended. . . . . well the books are here and I've yet to touch them. Then I had to make the decision to drop a class for fall semester so that I can continue to do my pulmonary rehab. Then there's the rehab itself, as of right now it seems pretty pointless. Its just me and three other older people (much older!) doing boring, tedious, simple exercise while tied down to an oxygen tank. What a lovely depressing reminder that I am no longer the athlete I was when I'm forced to wear oxygen while walking on the treadmill (mind you I don't wear oxygen at all yet) . . . . . . .

This is all I've been able to think about all of this lovely crap when I'm alone, and pretty much when I'm around anyone else although I'm careful/selective who I bring it up in front of. My mom went and told half the family about it without telling me she told them which makes me crazy, then my dad told the other half so in a way I kind of feel denied of telling. I mean I told my friends but that's different. And now all my friends work normal jobs and are always busy so I'm seriously lacking normal human conversation, I just want someone to talk to me long enough to distract me from this for a while.

On top of all that we've had a scare this week with my 10 (almost 11) year old golden retriever, she had blood on her after going out to the bathroom and I had a major panic attack. Turned out she was fine and then last night she went out and somehow hurt her front leg, so now we have to take her to the vet tomorrow. I'm scared to death they're gonna find something wrong with her and I honestly can't take that right now.

I also forgot to mention that my painfully simple job was the final straw. All I had to do was arrange for a fridge repairman and make an oil change appt and I failed majorly!

Which brings me to the hellish day I had today! Let's just say the highlight was me screaming and throwing crap across my room, lots of fun! Everything finally got to me and I broke down, I had to call my docs and they upped my anti-anxiety meds because obviously its not working right now. I'm feeling better than this morning but something has got to change, I can't take anymore stress right now. I need something to look forward to or at least to distract me until school starts and I have some form of routine again!

So thanks for listening to my rant, I just needed to get the whole story out one last time in hopes that I'll be able to sleep now, at least until tomorrow's stress starts. . .

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22 w/cf,cfrd,osteopenia,diagnosed at 3 months

Everyday is a challenge, every breath is a win

"You miss 100% of the shots you never take" - Wayne Gretzky

I'm sorry you're feeling broken down. I have horrible anxiety, and I know how awful it makes you feel. I wish I had some magic words to help you, but sometimes you just have to get through one day at a time, and sometimes one hour at a time. Having a routine certainly does help - keeing your brain busy so it doesn't have time to worry about all of the bad stuff.

I hope that your dog is okay. I hope that today is better for you.

Stacey

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Wife to David, Mom to Jordan 19 w/cf, Bronson 22 carrier & Mason 14 no cf

I have days and sometimes weeks where I am just so fed up with everything going wrong and I feel for you.

This is only a suggestion but what an old friend suggested I do to help myself is to write it down, just like you did here, but only in journals. One journal is titled on the front: Life sucks because: the other is titled: Today I survived because. I vent in Life sucks just as you have here and at the end of the day I write in Today, even if it is only to say that I vented in Life. This enables me to look back at some really bad days and realize that the stuff I am venting about today is nothing, if I have survived those really bad days. Not only that, I have been able to get some laughter in my life by reading some of my vents and saying to myself: "What were you thinking"? "That was so silly!!!!"

It is only a suggestion and if you decide to try it....I hope it helps

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Pat,dx Feb.07, w/CF at 58yo, bronchiectosis, MAC, pseudomonas,FEV1 24-27%, 02-24/7. Daughter, Jacqueline Ann is my CF Angel.

"A smile, a wave, a hug or a warm hello....pass it on to brighten someone's day."

So sorry things are so crazy right now. I really hope things get better soon.
If you ever want to talk my name is Ayn Learn, feel free to add me on facebook. I've made a few friends from this site, and sometimes just venting to another person is a huge help, so I'm here if you ever want to vent

I think breakdowns are a pretty normal thing. I know I've broken a few too many things during my own But hang in there. CF has made us tough, so we can get through hard times.

Hoping the best for you and your dog <3

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I'm Ayn, a 22 year old female with CF.
current lung function in between 50% -60%
Double mutation of Delta508